Fourteen

Annnnnd today's lesson is... Internalisation!

I never thought Internalising something would be considered a bad thing until you realise that what you may have internalised is potentially not the right way forward. I've let so very very very few people into my life that the way I manage conflict is sometimes not talking about it, figuring out what caused the trigger then managing the trigger than actually dealing with the conflict. It's good for me in the sense that I know for next time to not do something some way but at the same time, it's bad because instead of helping someone understand what caused a trigger, I'm only preventing myself from causing a trigger and not telling someone how they can prevent causing the trigger.

Probably doesn't make sense in cryptic non example terms... but it makes sense to me.

The moment we got on a call today, I just wanted to hug you. At the same time, I also didn't want to look at you. I know I didn't expect an apology from you and based on what you said the other day on the call, I really don't know what to expect any more. But I did want one. But I really shouldn't have to explain it. Initially I palmed it off and made it a life lesson for myself to be more specific next time and took all the responsibility on my own. Then you said it feels like there is an issue. OK. So you picked up on that. Then I explained that it felt like you betrayed my trust. Got it. For most people, this is where they would go "I'm sorry, I didn't realise the entire thing was told to me in confidence... blah" instead, you skipped the "sorry" and went straight to the explanation. But the explanation itself told me you understood that there was an error in judgement made yet no apology.

Part of me has given up. When you said "I am concerned about us that you're not getting the apology you need" but other than the "sorry, I misunderstood" you actually haven't apologised. But the "sorry, I misunderstood" isn't something that's said with sincerity.

Where does this leave me? I don't know. I know that instinctively from now on when I tell you things I will most likely say things like "not to be repeated" or stuff like that and over time (if said enough) that it would make it feel like I don't trust you when actually it's just how I've started to protect myself from having a situation arise again. In my mind, the logical path is to always say it as a preventative measure than to rely on interpretation. But that as I said will just make it seem as if I no longer trust you. The cure is to not tell you anything but then where does that leave us? They said prevention is better than the cure but in this case neither gets me anywhere.

Whenever I'm conflicted like this, I always fall back to my two questions. Do I still love you (in whatever meaning that may take)? and do I still value the friendship? At the moment, both is yes. But after the first conversation we had on the topic... (when you were on the couch in your white tshirt)... something you said (which I can't remember the exact words used)... made me question if you saw me as a friend at all.

The fact that you're trying at the moment, tells me you care. I somewhat get that. Yet you were concerned as to how we would work on other projects made me think you care more about the business relationship than the friendship.

I will say this though... I'm not a powerpoint person. Yes, I can make things pretty and can work with the flow but I can create a document like the best of them and have done so in many of my previous roles. This particular client even said on the 2nd engagement, no more word docs. Olly said that and that slides were better. So it's not that I took it upon myself to work with slides, I worked towards what the client wanted.

Anyway, I'm sick. I'm tired. And I really really need to rest. I've not been able to at all.