Thirteen

It's been a week since I've actually had a one-on-one face-to-face convo with you I just realised. Sad...

But in a weird dream last night I realised that when it comes to 'for me', there actually is no real compromise. Commitment to activities has always been on your terms. Like, if it were a group activity, sure, compromise for most people. If it was for work, you'd bend backwards to make things work or even change a flight. But when I want to go do something, it's a case of, sorry, that doesn't work for me, or I can't commit (actually the words you choose to use whilst technically accurate comes off really cold). It often feels like we found mutual ground but actually, I rearranged things or moved things to cater for what works for you. In the personal sense, you abandon me as much as everyone else. In the professional sense, you care more. Lately, it just feels like you care for me when it's convenient for you to care not because you actually care. It might not be true... but this is me expressing how I'm actually feeling.

If I become guarded or distant over the next few days, it might be my own natural reaction to things. I'm used to having unrequited feelings, this isn't something new to me. It's just upsetting and sad. Though, I'm more angry at myself. I knew what you were like to start so it shouldn't have come as a surprise to me. And I even know this isn't the type of relationship you are after either. But the mind and heart are two different things. I can tell myself that it's not something you're after and I don't even try and force it (most of the time) but feelings change, emotions develop and sometimes as I've said many times in the past... you can't help feel what you feel.

Whilst I embrace all the emotions I tend to go through, it doesn't really make it any easier when realisation kicks in. An endless cycle of ups and downs, with a sprinkle of regret thrown in here and there.

ANYWAY... how did this all stem off? Partly from the weird dream I had where I was basically talking to myself (5 of myself) in some bizarre intervention type thing... and me not seeing you on our call this morning. Those calls for me were the only time I felt like I had you for me. Mostly.

I wrote the above BEFORE you messaged. I wrote that as I sat in an empty video call feeling sorry for myself but at the same time, I'm not ashamed I wrote it. I needed to express what I was feeling at the time and I did. Yet regardless of all that, I genuinely still love you. I mean, who else will randomly pull out hotels, meeting room bookings, gyms, massage palours, cinemas as places for you to go to relax and wait??? I know I'm resourceful... but I'm not like that to everyone!

I do thank you for being honest with me though and like I said, I don't expect anything. Sure I secretly hope and wish, but expectation is just not really there because I almost know with certainty that there's no point in expecting. One thing I'm now really unsure about is... do you actually consider me as a friend? Or just a work colleague that's okay to occasionally hang out with?

This day just gets better. I wrote the above after our call... and now this... this is after the incident. Is it the fact that it's post Thirteen? OR is it just shit. For the first time, I felt like you've betrayed my confidence. I will take part blame for this because I didn't spell it out but I thought it was implied when someone says "I'm telling you as a friend and not a colleague"... You broke me. I didn't know what I was feeling or assess if there were any sort of implications at all. All I know is that without even telling me what you were going to do, you just did it. Do you always react in this way? I don't think I've ever seen you be this reactive.

I honestly didn't want to see you or talk to you which was why I shut down the request to take a call. Seeing you would have meant that my heart would have melted and anything that I would have felt would have been invalid. But my feelings were valid and I needed to be able to hold onto that for just a moment. I also genuinely had client calls and stuff (which you still have access to my calendar to see) so I didn't have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with it. Thank you for respecting my wishes to give me time to just be. Know that I still love you, I just couldn't right there and then.

I've told no one, not SB, not anyone at badminton, no one. So it's not like I've discussed or asked for anyone's opinion on the topic but I just needed to vent and hitting shuttles partly did it. It wasn't a great session, I left my knee restraints at home and was feeling relatively weak. Still managed to beat the top team in the league, had some decent games and some crazy games but was knackered well before the end of the session. Honestly, I just wanted to go home but as the Organiser, I don't have that luxury of leaving early.

Anyway, by the time the session ended, I at least felt like I could talk about it or see you is probably more accurate. Part of me didn't want to sleep knowing it wasn't resolved but the other part was okay to deal with it tomorrow. Guess you weren't around by the time I got home and took O out to sort himself and back. Will see for tomorrow.