This will be the last post.
It's kinda funny in a way. This whole thing is like my phone number situation with dog girl. Except, in this situation, I'm telling you what I want, yet you are decidingly not willing. And in your own words, "what i'm saying is, a healthy person would understand that you're asking for her number because you're interested, not because you're pushy or just reacting to what she said." replace number with apology and interested with upset. But your later line of "lol. boy you really almost screwed that up completely!" is almost basically true.
I've spent the day feeling pretty shit because a can of worms was opened that I can't seem to close (on top of being sick and also being stood up it's been a trifecta of pain). But what hurts the most is knowing the fix to all this would have been so simple.
If I were to simplify the whole thing into a scenario, it would be this. You did something that in your opinion was normal, and out of the overall grand context of it all, it was very normal. At this point, I wouldn't apologise either! However, you were later told that it shouldn't have happened and you basically threw me under a bus. At this point, I would have definitely apologised. I don't believe things are as black and white as you make it to be. There's always a cause and an effect and ownership for both.
But I don't think I can do this anymore. What haunts me the most is the line you wrote... "I am concerned about us that you're not getting the apology you need". If you were that concerned... why are you not taking action to rectify the situation? If you are that concerned, why can't you swallow your pride? If you are that concerned, why don't you care that I'm hurting inside?
Saturday, November 26, 2022
Friday, November 25, 2022
Fifteen
I think you broke me. There were so many opportunities for you to rectify the situation but you chose to be stubborn.
You could have used the information a different way like "it was brought to my attention" but instead, you named and shamed me. You basically ratted me out. Yet, you don't see it as a problem or something you should apologise for. I don't know if I can actually move on from this.
Giving it till the weekend to see if you would respond to the big reply that was sent before we both got called into a meeting with the 'ka. Right now, one of the yeses is a maybe. In essence, you can't even apologise to make me feel better. It's a pretty shitty feeling... to feel so insignificant... not even worth an apology.
Posting early cause i don't even know if i feel like writing anymore.
You could have used the information a different way like "it was brought to my attention" but instead, you named and shamed me. You basically ratted me out. Yet, you don't see it as a problem or something you should apologise for. I don't know if I can actually move on from this.
Giving it till the weekend to see if you would respond to the big reply that was sent before we both got called into a meeting with the 'ka. Right now, one of the yeses is a maybe. In essence, you can't even apologise to make me feel better. It's a pretty shitty feeling... to feel so insignificant... not even worth an apology.
Posting early cause i don't even know if i feel like writing anymore.
Thursday, November 24, 2022
Fourteen
Annnnnd today's lesson is... Internalisation!
I never thought Internalising something would be considered a bad thing until you realise that what you may have internalised is potentially not the right way forward. I've let so very very very few people into my life that the way I manage conflict is sometimes not talking about it, figuring out what caused the trigger then managing the trigger than actually dealing with the conflict. It's good for me in the sense that I know for next time to not do something some way but at the same time, it's bad because instead of helping someone understand what caused a trigger, I'm only preventing myself from causing a trigger and not telling someone how they can prevent causing the trigger.
Probably doesn't make sense in cryptic non example terms... but it makes sense to me.
The moment we got on a call today, I just wanted to hug you. At the same time, I also didn't want to look at you. I know I didn't expect an apology from you and based on what you said the other day on the call, I really don't know what to expect any more. But I did want one. But I really shouldn't have to explain it. Initially I palmed it off and made it a life lesson for myself to be more specific next time and took all the responsibility on my own. Then you said it feels like there is an issue. OK. So you picked up on that. Then I explained that it felt like you betrayed my trust. Got it. For most people, this is where they would go "I'm sorry, I didn't realise the entire thing was told to me in confidence... blah" instead, you skipped the "sorry" and went straight to the explanation. But the explanation itself told me you understood that there was an error in judgement made yet no apology.
Part of me has given up. When you said "I am concerned about us that you're not getting the apology you need" but other than the "sorry, I misunderstood" you actually haven't apologised. But the "sorry, I misunderstood" isn't something that's said with sincerity.
Where does this leave me? I don't know. I know that instinctively from now on when I tell you things I will most likely say things like "not to be repeated" or stuff like that and over time (if said enough) that it would make it feel like I don't trust you when actually it's just how I've started to protect myself from having a situation arise again. In my mind, the logical path is to always say it as a preventative measure than to rely on interpretation. But that as I said will just make it seem as if I no longer trust you. The cure is to not tell you anything but then where does that leave us? They said prevention is better than the cure but in this case neither gets me anywhere.
Whenever I'm conflicted like this, I always fall back to my two questions. Do I still love you (in whatever meaning that may take)? and do I still value the friendship? At the moment, both is yes. But after the first conversation we had on the topic... (when you were on the couch in your white tshirt)... something you said (which I can't remember the exact words used)... made me question if you saw me as a friend at all.
The fact that you're trying at the moment, tells me you care. I somewhat get that. Yet you were concerned as to how we would work on other projects made me think you care more about the business relationship than the friendship.
I will say this though... I'm not a powerpoint person. Yes, I can make things pretty and can work with the flow but I can create a document like the best of them and have done so in many of my previous roles. This particular client even said on the 2nd engagement, no more word docs. Olly said that and that slides were better. So it's not that I took it upon myself to work with slides, I worked towards what the client wanted.
Anyway, I'm sick. I'm tired. And I really really need to rest. I've not been able to at all.
I never thought Internalising something would be considered a bad thing until you realise that what you may have internalised is potentially not the right way forward. I've let so very very very few people into my life that the way I manage conflict is sometimes not talking about it, figuring out what caused the trigger then managing the trigger than actually dealing with the conflict. It's good for me in the sense that I know for next time to not do something some way but at the same time, it's bad because instead of helping someone understand what caused a trigger, I'm only preventing myself from causing a trigger and not telling someone how they can prevent causing the trigger.
Probably doesn't make sense in cryptic non example terms... but it makes sense to me.
The moment we got on a call today, I just wanted to hug you. At the same time, I also didn't want to look at you. I know I didn't expect an apology from you and based on what you said the other day on the call, I really don't know what to expect any more. But I did want one. But I really shouldn't have to explain it. Initially I palmed it off and made it a life lesson for myself to be more specific next time and took all the responsibility on my own. Then you said it feels like there is an issue. OK. So you picked up on that. Then I explained that it felt like you betrayed my trust. Got it. For most people, this is where they would go "I'm sorry, I didn't realise the entire thing was told to me in confidence... blah" instead, you skipped the "sorry" and went straight to the explanation. But the explanation itself told me you understood that there was an error in judgement made yet no apology.
Part of me has given up. When you said "I am concerned about us that you're not getting the apology you need" but other than the "sorry, I misunderstood" you actually haven't apologised. But the "sorry, I misunderstood" isn't something that's said with sincerity.
Where does this leave me? I don't know. I know that instinctively from now on when I tell you things I will most likely say things like "not to be repeated" or stuff like that and over time (if said enough) that it would make it feel like I don't trust you when actually it's just how I've started to protect myself from having a situation arise again. In my mind, the logical path is to always say it as a preventative measure than to rely on interpretation. But that as I said will just make it seem as if I no longer trust you. The cure is to not tell you anything but then where does that leave us? They said prevention is better than the cure but in this case neither gets me anywhere.
Whenever I'm conflicted like this, I always fall back to my two questions. Do I still love you (in whatever meaning that may take)? and do I still value the friendship? At the moment, both is yes. But after the first conversation we had on the topic... (when you were on the couch in your white tshirt)... something you said (which I can't remember the exact words used)... made me question if you saw me as a friend at all.
The fact that you're trying at the moment, tells me you care. I somewhat get that. Yet you were concerned as to how we would work on other projects made me think you care more about the business relationship than the friendship.
I will say this though... I'm not a powerpoint person. Yes, I can make things pretty and can work with the flow but I can create a document like the best of them and have done so in many of my previous roles. This particular client even said on the 2nd engagement, no more word docs. Olly said that and that slides were better. So it's not that I took it upon myself to work with slides, I worked towards what the client wanted.
Anyway, I'm sick. I'm tired. And I really really need to rest. I've not been able to at all.
Wednesday, November 23, 2022
Thirteen
It's been a week since I've actually had a one-on-one face-to-face convo with you I just realised. Sad...
But in a weird dream last night I realised that when it comes to 'for me', there actually is no real compromise. Commitment to activities has always been on your terms. Like, if it were a group activity, sure, compromise for most people. If it was for work, you'd bend backwards to make things work or even change a flight. But when I want to go do something, it's a case of, sorry, that doesn't work for me, or I can't commit (actually the words you choose to use whilst technically accurate comes off really cold). It often feels like we found mutual ground but actually, I rearranged things or moved things to cater for what works for you. In the personal sense, you abandon me as much as everyone else. In the professional sense, you care more. Lately, it just feels like you care for me when it's convenient for you to care not because you actually care. It might not be true... but this is me expressing how I'm actually feeling.
If I become guarded or distant over the next few days, it might be my own natural reaction to things. I'm used to having unrequited feelings, this isn't something new to me. It's just upsetting and sad. Though, I'm more angry at myself. I knew what you were like to start so it shouldn't have come as a surprise to me. And I even know this isn't the type of relationship you are after either. But the mind and heart are two different things. I can tell myself that it's not something you're after and I don't even try and force it (most of the time) but feelings change, emotions develop and sometimes as I've said many times in the past... you can't help feel what you feel.
Whilst I embrace all the emotions I tend to go through, it doesn't really make it any easier when realisation kicks in. An endless cycle of ups and downs, with a sprinkle of regret thrown in here and there.
ANYWAY... how did this all stem off? Partly from the weird dream I had where I was basically talking to myself (5 of myself) in some bizarre intervention type thing... and me not seeing you on our call this morning. Those calls for me were the only time I felt like I had you for me. Mostly.
I wrote the above BEFORE you messaged. I wrote that as I sat in an empty video call feeling sorry for myself but at the same time, I'm not ashamed I wrote it. I needed to express what I was feeling at the time and I did. Yet regardless of all that, I genuinely still love you. I mean, who else will randomly pull out hotels, meeting room bookings, gyms, massage palours, cinemas as places for you to go to relax and wait??? I know I'm resourceful... but I'm not like that to everyone!
I do thank you for being honest with me though and like I said, I don't expect anything. Sure I secretly hope and wish, but expectation is just not really there because I almost know with certainty that there's no point in expecting. One thing I'm now really unsure about is... do you actually consider me as a friend? Or just a work colleague that's okay to occasionally hang out with?
This day just gets better. I wrote the above after our call... and now this... this is after the incident. Is it the fact that it's post Thirteen? OR is it just shit. For the first time, I felt like you've betrayed my confidence. I will take part blame for this because I didn't spell it out but I thought it was implied when someone says "I'm telling you as a friend and not a colleague"... You broke me. I didn't know what I was feeling or assess if there were any sort of implications at all. All I know is that without even telling me what you were going to do, you just did it. Do you always react in this way? I don't think I've ever seen you be this reactive.
I honestly didn't want to see you or talk to you which was why I shut down the request to take a call. Seeing you would have meant that my heart would have melted and anything that I would have felt would have been invalid. But my feelings were valid and I needed to be able to hold onto that for just a moment. I also genuinely had client calls and stuff (which you still have access to my calendar to see) so I didn't have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with it. Thank you for respecting my wishes to give me time to just be. Know that I still love you, I just couldn't right there and then.
I've told no one, not SB, not anyone at badminton, no one. So it's not like I've discussed or asked for anyone's opinion on the topic but I just needed to vent and hitting shuttles partly did it. It wasn't a great session, I left my knee restraints at home and was feeling relatively weak. Still managed to beat the top team in the league, had some decent games and some crazy games but was knackered well before the end of the session. Honestly, I just wanted to go home but as the Organiser, I don't have that luxury of leaving early.
Anyway, by the time the session ended, I at least felt like I could talk about it or see you is probably more accurate. Part of me didn't want to sleep knowing it wasn't resolved but the other part was okay to deal with it tomorrow. Guess you weren't around by the time I got home and took O out to sort himself and back. Will see for tomorrow.
But in a weird dream last night I realised that when it comes to 'for me', there actually is no real compromise. Commitment to activities has always been on your terms. Like, if it were a group activity, sure, compromise for most people. If it was for work, you'd bend backwards to make things work or even change a flight. But when I want to go do something, it's a case of, sorry, that doesn't work for me, or I can't commit (actually the words you choose to use whilst technically accurate comes off really cold). It often feels like we found mutual ground but actually, I rearranged things or moved things to cater for what works for you. In the personal sense, you abandon me as much as everyone else. In the professional sense, you care more. Lately, it just feels like you care for me when it's convenient for you to care not because you actually care. It might not be true... but this is me expressing how I'm actually feeling.
If I become guarded or distant over the next few days, it might be my own natural reaction to things. I'm used to having unrequited feelings, this isn't something new to me. It's just upsetting and sad. Though, I'm more angry at myself. I knew what you were like to start so it shouldn't have come as a surprise to me. And I even know this isn't the type of relationship you are after either. But the mind and heart are two different things. I can tell myself that it's not something you're after and I don't even try and force it (most of the time) but feelings change, emotions develop and sometimes as I've said many times in the past... you can't help feel what you feel.
Whilst I embrace all the emotions I tend to go through, it doesn't really make it any easier when realisation kicks in. An endless cycle of ups and downs, with a sprinkle of regret thrown in here and there.
ANYWAY... how did this all stem off? Partly from the weird dream I had where I was basically talking to myself (5 of myself) in some bizarre intervention type thing... and me not seeing you on our call this morning. Those calls for me were the only time I felt like I had you for me. Mostly.
I wrote the above BEFORE you messaged. I wrote that as I sat in an empty video call feeling sorry for myself but at the same time, I'm not ashamed I wrote it. I needed to express what I was feeling at the time and I did. Yet regardless of all that, I genuinely still love you. I mean, who else will randomly pull out hotels, meeting room bookings, gyms, massage palours, cinemas as places for you to go to relax and wait??? I know I'm resourceful... but I'm not like that to everyone!
I do thank you for being honest with me though and like I said, I don't expect anything. Sure I secretly hope and wish, but expectation is just not really there because I almost know with certainty that there's no point in expecting. One thing I'm now really unsure about is... do you actually consider me as a friend? Or just a work colleague that's okay to occasionally hang out with?
This day just gets better. I wrote the above after our call... and now this... this is after the incident. Is it the fact that it's post Thirteen? OR is it just shit. For the first time, I felt like you've betrayed my confidence. I will take part blame for this because I didn't spell it out but I thought it was implied when someone says "I'm telling you as a friend and not a colleague"... You broke me. I didn't know what I was feeling or assess if there were any sort of implications at all. All I know is that without even telling me what you were going to do, you just did it. Do you always react in this way? I don't think I've ever seen you be this reactive.
I honestly didn't want to see you or talk to you which was why I shut down the request to take a call. Seeing you would have meant that my heart would have melted and anything that I would have felt would have been invalid. But my feelings were valid and I needed to be able to hold onto that for just a moment. I also genuinely had client calls and stuff (which you still have access to my calendar to see) so I didn't have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with it. Thank you for respecting my wishes to give me time to just be. Know that I still love you, I just couldn't right there and then.
I've told no one, not SB, not anyone at badminton, no one. So it's not like I've discussed or asked for anyone's opinion on the topic but I just needed to vent and hitting shuttles partly did it. It wasn't a great session, I left my knee restraints at home and was feeling relatively weak. Still managed to beat the top team in the league, had some decent games and some crazy games but was knackered well before the end of the session. Honestly, I just wanted to go home but as the Organiser, I don't have that luxury of leaving early.
Anyway, by the time the session ended, I at least felt like I could talk about it or see you is probably more accurate. Part of me didn't want to sleep knowing it wasn't resolved but the other part was okay to deal with it tomorrow. Guess you weren't around by the time I got home and took O out to sort himself and back. Will see for tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 22, 2022
Twelve
I feel horrible. And it's not because of the lack of sleep or anything, but it's more because I didn't even realise that Friday was technically your last day! The way you were talking about Monday etc made me think you still had until the end of this week! I'm so sorry for not paying more attention!! :(
Though, I did try and stay up with you as much as I could despite having low BP and feeling rather tired... but honestly, I didn't mind too much. I got a playful side of you I hadn't seen in a while. And the randomness of some of the things we talked about was great!! Not to mention the pics were pretty funny :) I miss those the most.
Today though I was kinda on struggle street. Thankfully the morning was relatively quiet and it wasn't raining so O got some outdoor time and I got some much needed fresh air! The client calls weren't too bad but the back to backs in the afternoon were a killer. Thankfully broken up when TS needed to board his flight and we cut the last call short.
Though, I still helped my other bro with some work this evening so I'm finding I'm definitely spending more time outside of work hours on work and then there was the whole debate with timesheets. Will have to see how that plays out!
Can't wait till hear about how your dinner went. Hopefully all good things!
Though, I did try and stay up with you as much as I could despite having low BP and feeling rather tired... but honestly, I didn't mind too much. I got a playful side of you I hadn't seen in a while. And the randomness of some of the things we talked about was great!! Not to mention the pics were pretty funny :) I miss those the most.
Today though I was kinda on struggle street. Thankfully the morning was relatively quiet and it wasn't raining so O got some outdoor time and I got some much needed fresh air! The client calls weren't too bad but the back to backs in the afternoon were a killer. Thankfully broken up when TS needed to board his flight and we cut the last call short.
Though, I still helped my other bro with some work this evening so I'm finding I'm definitely spending more time outside of work hours on work and then there was the whole debate with timesheets. Will have to see how that plays out!
Can't wait till hear about how your dinner went. Hopefully all good things!
Monday, November 21, 2022
Eleven
So... I've felt like crap all night. Not 100% sure why but I also struggled to sleep. Some how managed to like strip everything off in the middle of the night as well which was totally bizarre!
I had almost every meeting cancel on me except one... and honestly... took some time to myself to try and perk up.
Even O thought something was wrong cause I kept going back to bed every moment I got.
I had zero energy going to badminton... but after I got there, played a few games, I suddenly started to feel a lot better. By the time I had finished, the dizziness stopped and things actually started to feel good. Got home, took O for a walk and felt great actually.
Was messaging dog girl as we were out for a walk as well. Still don't know where I want to go with that but we'll see.
That leads us to now... when I found out you're still in the office!!! Well, as I'm still chatting to you now... I'll leave this post here as it is. :)
I had almost every meeting cancel on me except one... and honestly... took some time to myself to try and perk up.
Even O thought something was wrong cause I kept going back to bed every moment I got.
I had zero energy going to badminton... but after I got there, played a few games, I suddenly started to feel a lot better. By the time I had finished, the dizziness stopped and things actually started to feel good. Got home, took O for a walk and felt great actually.
Was messaging dog girl as we were out for a walk as well. Still don't know where I want to go with that but we'll see.
That leads us to now... when I found out you're still in the office!!! Well, as I'm still chatting to you now... I'll leave this post here as it is. :)
Sunday, November 20, 2022
Ten
This morning I suddenly really just... missed you. So when you reached out later in the afternoon, it was just what I needed. I had so much to tell you since Dog girl messaged and then I actually had another girl message me. Not sure if I'm keen on it but I'm just chatting with her for now.
I also realised my trial period was over and as soon as that clocked over, it showed I had a lot of likes and a lot of random intros that never showed before. It's just their way of trying to scam me into using their platform again!!
And after I got through to you, I was really thankful for the advice. It changed something drastically for me. It got me a number :)
I was happy to hear that you weren't stressed! I was worried that the wrap up of the project was taking a toll on you as well as your contract situation. Though, to be honest, I actually don't know your end date. Will have to ask you tomorrow.
I'm hoping I wake up okay tomorrow though. I'm feeling a little feverish and I think the drop in weather has gotten me a cold. Will see if I can fight this.... but means I really should sleep early!! (yet here I am... watching TV).
I saw that Disenchated came out (the movie)... sooooo curious as to how good or bad it'll be. I loved the first movie. But I'll need to watch it when I'm a bit more awake. I did go and watch Confess, Fletch today. I enjoyed that!
Anyway hopefully speak tomorrow. Love you.
I also realised my trial period was over and as soon as that clocked over, it showed I had a lot of likes and a lot of random intros that never showed before. It's just their way of trying to scam me into using their platform again!!
And after I got through to you, I was really thankful for the advice. It changed something drastically for me. It got me a number :)
I was happy to hear that you weren't stressed! I was worried that the wrap up of the project was taking a toll on you as well as your contract situation. Though, to be honest, I actually don't know your end date. Will have to ask you tomorrow.
I'm hoping I wake up okay tomorrow though. I'm feeling a little feverish and I think the drop in weather has gotten me a cold. Will see if I can fight this.... but means I really should sleep early!! (yet here I am... watching TV).
I saw that Disenchated came out (the movie)... sooooo curious as to how good or bad it'll be. I loved the first movie. But I'll need to watch it when I'm a bit more awake. I did go and watch Confess, Fletch today. I enjoyed that!
Anyway hopefully speak tomorrow. Love you.
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